PGMC Mission Statement The Portland Gay Men's Chorus promotes harmony among people and a positive attitude towards the gay community. Portland Gay Men’s Chorus PO Box 3223 Portland, OR 97208 The Genesis of Millennium Mosaic... The Portland Gay Men’s Chorus (PGMC) commissioned Millennium Mosaic in commemoration of our 20th Anniversary Season. The selection of subject, style, and creative artists were given careful consideration as I hoped the new work would both celebrate our accomplishments of the past 20 years and look forward to the potential of our future. Subject matter for our new work was my first decision. In keeping with our tradition of commissioning new music that builds bridges with the gay community, I arrived at the idea of writing a choral work based upon the lives of gay and lesbian youth. Former PGMC Board member Flora Sussely helped refine the concept and provided a name, “Millennium Mosaic”. David York was a natural choice for our composer since he had a long history with PGMC, including an 8 year stint as the Conductor. After David had agreed to write the music, I left him the assignment of finding a librettist to collaborate with—one who could also successfully relate to the youth we would be involving in the project. He found two: Marie-Elise Wheatwind and Janice Gould. Early in the process of gathering stories, a third writer entered the nucleus of our creative team, Kat Wilson, then 14 years old. (I will leave the rest of the tale of writing Millennium Mosaic to Marie-Elise.) From the beginning, the image of 85 gay men singing the words of queer youth seemed almost surreal. We wondered how we would feel expressing the language of kids young enough to be our children—or for some of us, our grandchildren! We pondered how we should dress when we performed. We worried. But as the music and words poured in, what should have been obvious cheerfully dawned upon our collective thinking: the passage of adolescence into young adulthood is timeless. We were instantly at one with both the music and the poetry. The angst, hope, joy, and (most of all) the sense of aloneness expressed by Mosaic’s queer youth will find a resonant chord in people of all ages, be they gay, straight, black, white, male or female. It is our hope that Mosaic will contribute to a better understanding of gay and lesbian youth. We expect no miracles, but we do look forward to thinking and dialogue. While many of us older gay folk take for granted a changing world, many gay and lesbian youth still forge their way forsaken by adult input. With the “recruitment” rhetoric of our detractors ringing in our ears, many of us have been hesitant to step forward and lend a hand. But many of us have boundless resources to help out. If Millennium Mosaic can at least help us look in the direction of our youth, it will have accomplished its purpose. After all, they are our future...or at least the people who will eventually choose our nursing homes! — Bob Mensel Creating Millennium Mosaic... We started with two words—“Millennium Mosaic”—the concept of bringing together gay and lesbian youth and encouraging them to artistically express their feelings about “coming out”. Imagine the task. This would not be the careful grouting of smooth beveled tile into a retro symmetrical design. Instead we would be working with the rougher and more immediate metaphors of this world and time: shards of volcanic rock, fragments of hand painted china, slivers of shattered mirror, fistfuls of flat, river polished stone, and steel toe kicked bits of street asphalt and sidewalk cement. Our task was to fit this mosaic of materials together as the words and music of a choral piece made up of diverse voices from the generation of this turning Millennium. Our plan was to merge together “old” expertise with “young” ideas, forging identity, creativity, and community into poetry and song. Drawing from our different educations and experiences, we offered workshops on song writing. Kat Wilson found us, listened, and returned with poem filled journals and notes to a tune. Others strayed, or stayed away altogether. The implied response from those who stayed away was, “What could you possibly understand about being a gay teenager?” or perhaps, “Look, I might be ‘out’ to my high school counselor and a few friends, but my entire family?! You've got to be kidding!” Despite the challenges, word got out and young people who identify themselves as gay, lesbian, or bi, sometimes hesitantly, sometimes forthrightly, shared the stories of their lives. Kat brought revisions and new poems. She talked to friends who “knew a friend...” They spoke with her in person, over the phone, and in small groups. Others felt safer sending statements through the mail—in plain envelopes or flashed anonymously onto electronic screens. Others whispered secrets into answering machines and cassette recorders. From these fragments of thought and feeling, words took shape—first into poems, then into measures of music. Lines repeated themselves, forming into patterns, refrains, rhythms. Hand written notes and e mail printouts offered familiar themes. We plucked from the pages we received a singular image, a funny phrase, a wistful observation, a stuttering stream; these were layered into verses. To serve the words that emerged, the music needed to be accessible to a widely diverse audience. This led to tuneful melodies with a snappy rhythm and tight harmony—something like the Indigo Girls in sync with the Temptations. Some songs are sentimental ballads, others are soaring anthems. In each number, the intent is the same; to give shape and substance to the stories of courageous people who are stepping out into a largely disapproving world. In the voices of gay youth we hear anger, frustration, and sadness tempered by hope and joy, for there is pleasure in finding love and friendship, and sometimes even acceptance. Being visibly Gay or Queer in this culture is risky; genuine recognition of same gender relationships is still something we must not only struggle for, but demand. Forging an identity as a Gay Youth in a world that remains intolerant and hateful is difficult and sometimes dangerous. We salute the Gay Youth who contributed their words and ideas to Millennium Mosaic. By shaping their shards of ideas, fears, and ideals into a choral piece, we hope that Millennium Mosaic helps pave the way to a better understanding of Queer Youth, not only cross-generationally among Gay People, but in the larger culture. We believe it provides a picture of many of the struggles and some of the dreams of Gay Youth in America today. While we can't personally acknowledge those who requested anonymity, we'd like to thank everyone for their great or small contribution to this project. We especially thank Paul Wilson and Linda Ferris, Flora Sussely, and the following young writers: Joshua Baker, Mike Bauer, Blair, Jase Drew, Grant, Karin Lamberson, Shaun Marks, Zeke Martin, Joseph Mergl, Nya, Mitch Ryan Matney, John Sykes, Julian Uselman, Molly Whedbee, and Becky Yarnall. — Marie-Elise Wheatwind The Words... 2 Cold Stone Wall by Kat Wilson I am pounding against a cold stone wall, I am crying against its smoothness. I am tracing the lines of former tears with shaking fingers— with trembling fingers. I am sitting against a cold stone wall, I am slumping against this hard back, I am watching this unmoving rock with silent fierce eyes— with silent fierce eyes. I am waiting against a cold stone wall, I am searching in vain for cracks. I am tired of waiting and watching and pushing on boundaries without meaning— ancient boundaries without meaning. I am pounding on a cold stone wall, I am searching and I’m crying. I am finding only apathy. 3 Fallen Angel by Janice Gould They're from a cold generation, Locking their feelings inside, Despising all those who are different, Expecting their children to hide. They offer our souls to the fire, Condemn us to watery graves. They want us to sink in the ocean. They say that’s how we’ll truly be saved. I am their bold fallen angel, Wanting to fly and to see, I open my wings among strangers And learn how to laugh and be free. Keep all our feelings inside us, And we’ll become hard as stone, Hating ourselves and each other, Feeling afraid and alone. Under the water’s hard surface Chilled hearts stay frozen and blue. But out in the world’s warm sunshine Hearts can grow full and so true. We are their bold fallen angels Longing to know and to be, We open our wings among strangers And learn how to soar and be free! We break through the water’s calm surface Come out where the world is alive. We open our hearts to creation And feel all our passion and pride. We are their bold fallen angels Longing to feel and to be, We open our wings among strangers And ask all the world to be free. 4 Why Should I Want to Be You? by Marie-Elise Wheatwind and Janice Gould What do you see when you look at me? You see a pierced tongue or hair dyed blue, You see a plaid shirt or a face subdued, Kids in black jackets or skin tattooed, But you don’t hear me thinking what’s funny and true. Why should I want to be you? What do I see when I look at me? I see a heart as big as a house Where people move in and people move out, A house as big as the world or the sky With room for friends and dogs and flies. Why would I want to be you? What do you see when you look at me? You see a kid who’s different and weird With a ring in his nose and crazy hair. Enough to make you stop and stare. Not that I even really care. I don’t want to be you! What do I see when I look at me? I see a dolphin wild and free, Leaping and laughing and having fun, Warming itself in the sparking sun. I see in me a bird that’s free. It soars through the clouds above the trees, Rejoicing in all humanity, Living out its destiny. I just want to be me and to live a life that’s true. Now do you see what I see in me? Only you can be you and I must be me, Living free! 5 The First Day I Saw You by Janice Gould The first day I saw you, I knew I was in love, The grass was green, the sky was blue, and all was clear above. The angels in heaven opened wide their mighty wings And birds on the branches all began to sing. Now, love, tell me what to say. Now, love, help me find the way. Stay, love, and know my heart is true. All I want is to love you. The second day I saw you, the birds sang sweet and loud, The angels came floating on heaven’s golden cloud. The river flowed by slowly filled with quiet calm and grace, But nothing is more beautiful than your enchanting face. Now, love, tell me what to say. . . The third day I saw you, I know you saw me stare. You came my way and walked right past as if I were not there. You looked far beyond me and slowly you walked by. I never said a word of it though in my heart I cried. Now, love, tell me what to say Now, love, don’t turn and walk away. Stay, love, and know my heart is true. All I want is to love you. The fourth day I saw you, your friends were at your side, Their foolish talk and silly laughter cut me like a knife. I know you do not count me as a friend or enemy, So I'll go my way alone though my heart won't let me free. Now, love, tell me what to say. . . 6 Where Everyone Is Free by Kat Wilson and Janice Gould They beat us up in buses Or behind the school yard gate. They call us names and scorn us, They look at us with hate. They thump their Bibles and point at us And scream about our sin. They cast their judgement on us. That’s how they’ve always been. They won’t say, “You can't sit here,” No one says, “Get back!” But some would like to all the same. They’re always on attack. They make up laws against us to take away our rights, to make it hard for us to live and keep us out of sight. They try to keep us out of schools and ban our books and songs. They teach their kids to hate and fear, And see our friends as wrong. This is what I want to ask of those with tight-shut minds, “How you gonna keep us down When time is on our side?” How they gonna stop our march when we dance in the streets, throw open all our doors and shout, "At last we will be free!"? We’ve had enough of insults. We’ve had enough of pain. We’re goin’ to stand together and work for common gain. We’re goin’ to stand together united in our goal. We’re goin’ to live in freedom, we feel it in our soul. Come on, we dare you friends to live as proud humanity. Let’s make the world a safer place where everyone is free. Come together. Stand united. Claim your freedom. Living proudly. Where everyone is free! 7 My Best Friend by Janice Gould She’s the kind of girl who makes you want to stare. Her eyes are green, so black is her hair. She’s got a crooked smile, and a way that’s kinda proud, And every time I see her I just wanna shout out loud: She’s my girl, she’s my best friend. Closer than a sister, that’s how it’s always been. She’s my girl, she’s my best friend. She’s my one and only and I love her ‘cause she’s My best friend. At first she was unwilling but she let me kiss her cheek. Standing in the park my knees felt kinda weak. She let me kiss her lightly then she let me kiss some more. When she took me in her arms my heart began to soar. She’s my girl, she’s my best friend... She put her arms around me and she let me kiss her lips. I rocked against her gently, put my hands upon her hips. She looked into my eyes and she gave the sweetest smile, “I think I want to love you, at least a little while.” She’s my girl, she’s my best friend... No one here to see us. No one here to say, “Two girls together? Shouldn’t be that way.” No one here to laugh at us. No more fear to dread. We held each other’s hand, and this is what we said, “You’re my girl, you’re my best friend. Closer than a sister, that’s how it’s always been. You’re my girl, you’re my best friend. You’re my one and only and I love ya ‘cause you’re My best friend.” 8 Something He Could Know by Janice Gould Whenever he’s around my heart is like a clown, It sings and jokes and wears a foolish grin. It floats above the crowds, turns flips among the clouds. How magic is this love I'm in! Life is sweet when love is what you show. Life’s a treat when hearts can overflow. I want to tell him true, “My soul is full of you”! If only this were something he could know. Whenever he comes near my heart is full of fear; I think he’ll see the way he makes me spin. I watch the way he walks, I listen to him talk. How crazy is this love I’m in! Life is sweet... I want to tell him so—my heart would shine and glow, Knowing that he’d always be my friend. If he didn’t run away, he’d look at me and say, “How happy is this love I'm in”! Life is sweet when love is what you show. Life’s a treat when hearts can overflow. I want to tell him true, “My soul is full of you”! I believe that this is something he can know. Let me say it again! Life is sweet when love is what you show. Life’s a treat when hearts can overflow. I want to tell him true, “My soul is full of you!” How happy is this love we know! 9 Swish and Swagger by Janice Gould There’s a guy I know who's really got a swish, He’s gorgeous and lovely and really quite a dish. When anyone is near him he’ll shout out loud, “Let 'em know I'm queer, let ‘em know I'm proud.” There’s a girl I know who swaggers quite a bit, She’s got a leather jacket and a black helmet. She wears her boots and jeans with a certain kind of pride. “Let ‘em know I’m queer, there's nothin’ to hide.” There’s a guy I know, he looks tough as nails. His arms are all tattooed, I think he’s been to jail. But underneath his scary skin he’s sweet and soft and kind. “Let ‘em know I’m queer, at least I know my mind.” There’s a girl I know who looks completely straight. She curls her hair and wears a dress to meet her Friday date. She takes her girlfriend by the arm when they’re out on the street. “Let ‘em know we’re queer, the truth is oh so sweet.” Are you one of those guys who’s really got a swish? Your wrists and your hips, they do as they wish? Or are you a gal who swaggers quite a bit? Are you tough as nails with plenty of grit? If you swish or swagger or skip along your way, Let ‘em know you’re proud, let ‘em know you’re gay. Gotta stand your ground. You have something to say. Gotta shout our loud, “I’m here and proud.” Swish or swagger your time is now! 10 Truth Under My Wings by Kat Wilson I will say these words as many times As a cloud cries on a rainy day. I will bare my heart Until your face shines beams of light Through these dark grey skies. Truth under my wings, Lifting me up, I am flying, I am breaking free. Thunder looms heavy, I wait, with breath held. You hear me and welcome me-- A burden of dread dissolves. In your understanding I shed my inner fear. The ground is wet, the air is fresh, And the sky is mine! Truth under my wings, Lifting me up, I am flying, I am breaking free. I am living free! Living free! The Creative Team... Janice Gould is a mixed-blood of American Indian (Koyangk’auwi Maidu) and European descent who grew up in Berkeley, California. She is a graduate of the University of California-Berkeley, where she earned degrees in Linguistics (B.A.) and English (M.A.). Her poetry has seen publication in a number of journals (including the American Poetry Review), and numerous anthologies. She has won awards for her writing from the National Endowment for the Arts and the Astraea Foundation. Her first book of poems, Beneath My Heart, was published by Firebrand Press (1990). Her most recent book, Earthquake Weather was published by University of Arizona (1996). She is currently co-editing a volume of essays on Native American poetry, to be published by the University of Arizona in Fall 2001. Marie-Elise Wheatwind is a “Coyote”—half Chicana, one-quarter Swedish, and one-quarter Russian Jew—who grew up in the Los Angeles area but left when she was seventeen; she’s been a lost angel ever since. She has degrees in Creative Writing, English, and Gifted Education from San Francisco State, University of California-Berkeley, and University of New Mexico, respectively. Her work has been published in various anthologies and periodicals including The Women’s Review of Books, Chicana Lesbians: The Girls Our Mothers Warned Us About, New Chicano/a Writing I, and She Who Was Lost Is Remembered. One of her short stories was awarded a PEN syndicated fiction prize, and she recently was awarded a fellowship from the Oregon Literary Arts Program for her fiction. Kat Wilson is a student in Portland, where she lives with five apple trees, eight Douglas Firs, and a cat named Crocodile. Her passions are mathematics and music, and she continues to search for a way to bring these two together. However, she finds that there is a general shortage of people who want to sing with her about the joys of the cosine. Kat wishes she could thank, by name, all the brave people with whom she exchanged stories of being young & queer. But, they are each still afraid, though not necessarily for themselves, to be identified outside of a small known-to-be-safe group. Kat hopes that some day (perhaps when more have heard the stories in Millennium Mosaic) no one will need to fear exile for acknowledging the truth. David York has been involved with choirs his entire life as a singer, conductor, and composer. He is a graduate of Oklahoma City University where he earned a B.Mus. in voice and later obtained an M.S.T. in conducting and teaching at Portland State University. David has composed for orchestra, chamber ensembles, chorus, electronic instruments, and piano, as well as solos for voices and various instruments. Several of his pieces have been published by Earthsongs and Yelton Rhodes Music Publishing. He has been awarded commissions from Fear No Music, Oregon Repertory Singers, Desert Voices, South Florida Lambda Chorale, and the Detroit Together Men’s Chorus to name but a few. A former Conductor of PGMC (1982-90), he is currently the Artistic Director of the Concord Community of Choirs. David is pursuing a Ph.D. in music composition and theory at the University of Oregon. Our performers... Bob Mensel has served as the Artistic Director of the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus since 1993. Prior to moving to Portland, he was Conductor of the Salt Lake Men’s Choir and the co-founder of the Salt Lake Choral Scholars. His earliest training was in his hometown of Washington, D.C. where he studied piano with Caryl Traten Fischer and sang with numerous school and honor choirs, including the University of Maryland Chorus. He first attended college at Brigham Young University but completed his undergraduate studies at the University of Utah where he received a degree in Music History in 1989. In 1992 he graduated with a Master of Music in Choral Conducting from the University of Oregon. Michael Barnes has been accompanying singers since his high school days in Seattle, Washington. Barnes has toured nationally for Community Concerts, and tours internationally as the third member of the infamous BoZoArtZ Duo. His mentors have been Dr. Alberto Rafols (University of Washington) and Dr. Edith Kilbuck (Lewis and Clark College). He received a Master of Music degree in Piano Performance-Accompaniment in 1986. In addition, he has coached with Dalton Baldwin, Mme. Gwendolyn Koldofsky, and with Jan Meyerowitz at the American Institute of Musical Studies in Graz, Austria. Barnes maintained a long association with the Oregon Repertory Singers and The Old Church Society, for whom he scheduled Sack Lunch Recitals. He is the organist for Westminster Presbyterian Church. Chris E. Blount is a musician of many talents. She is a fabulous singer of both jazz and choral music and has served as Conductor of the Portland Lesbian Choir (1988-90) and interim Director of Bridges Vocal Ensemble (1996). Recently she has been performing with the David York Ensemble and was a Council Member for the Concord Community of Choirs (1995 99). Nathan Smith is a member of PGMC and a jazz afficionado. He is currently pursuing his undergraduate studies in vocal performance. The Portland Gay Men’s Chorus... 1st Tenor Norman Baldwin Derek Becker Dale Boss Jason Christensen Joshua Cox Don Davidson Rev. Paul Davis Michael J. Dodson David Freedman John French David B. Hicks Timm McBride Kevin Myles Scott Osburne 2nd Tenor Jeffrey L. Anderson Kevin Bush Troy B. Clayton Gary Coleman Henry Diaz Robert Draper Doug Erickson Yibing Yu Chuck Hall Don Hicks Jim Houts Bob K. Barry Mayor Vernon Reitz Bryan Rinehart Paul Scardina Michael C. Shapiro Nathan Smith Christopher Stein Troy William Thiel Ken Tyrrell Baritone Matt Baines Kip Beardsley Carl Caspersen Mike Castoldi Scott Clark Chris Dayson Grant Edwards Ray Elliott John Gheno Richard Griffith Edward Jacobowitz Tom Krcmaric Steve Manley Doug Neville Eric Nielsen Doug Overfield Dennis j. Parker Jim Peerenboom Joe Plutino Brian Robertson Michael Satern Jeff Williams Ernest Yago Bass Dann Baker Dana Busch Earl A. Coffman Andy Cruz Warren Davis Bobby Elliott Paul Findlay Greg Friesen Steven Fulmer Sid Galton Dave Grant Scott Hossner Joe Jefferson Gerald Jones Luke Kost Richard Moody Jim Morris Tom Peters Jason Roskelley Todd Schooley Jack Smrekar Tom Soppe Scott Vandehay Lloyd Warnes Xander Wendeheart Support Members Irv Ewen Jay Heidenrich Glenn Heiserman Charles Johnson Rick Miller Mari Moore Tommy Norton Matthew Weaver Board of Directors Scott Osburne, President Matt Baines, President-elect Phylis Myles, Past President Dale Boss, Treasurer John French, Secretary Members at Large: Jason Christiansen Gary Coleman Josh Cox Paul Findlay Peggy Foraker Terrill Grubbs Advisory Council Terry Bean Richard Brown Jim Elliott Joe Jefferson Dennis Johnson Tommy Norton Ed Segel Jim Vegher Staff Bob Mensel, Artistic Director Michael Barnes, Accompanist MaryLee Planer, Development Director Recording Musicians: Carolyn Arnquist, clarinet Michael Barnes, piano Kyle MacLowry, drums Mary McCarty, flute John Mery, bass Ann VanBever, oboe Millennium Mosaic - Voices of Queer Youth Lyrics by Janice Gould © 2000 Marie-Elise Wheatwind © 2000 Kat Wilson © 2000 Music by David York © 2000 Funded in part by the Regional Arts and Culture Council Recorded at Westminster Presbyterian Church, Portland, OR, on May 8 & 15, 2000. Mastered at Super Digital Audio. Michael Maughan, recording engineer Michael Satern, graphic design