I am a rapper who grew up in poverty and acts as a representative for those who had to come up doing without. I am the Hollywood Commander for Tila Tequila's activist group "EGP". My life has been a plethora of highs and lows and now I am on some change the world shx now. I am not going to sit here and tell you how many albums I have sold I am going to give it to you straight..here is my life story. ____________________________________________________________ My life and how I came to be who I am. EGP is the family that I never had. I come from a very dysfunctional family and my life has went from as low as you can go...to all my dreams coming true. Father figure? Never had one. I grew up watching my father hit my mother, thats all I really remember him from. He pushed her down on some rail road tracks one day and she finally had enough and she stabbed him. He left us shortly after that and moved to Texas. I was around 5 I think. I didnt see him again until I was about 13 I think, only to find out he had become one of the biggest drug dealers in Dallas. He ran a prostitution ring, sold crack, and gambled his life away. He never sent one dime back to us. Needless to say he is in prison, for life may I add. I havent seen him since I was 13! He wrote me twice from prison but I felt if I opened the letters it would have been years of pain I would have re-opened for him not being there for me. From that point life got even worse. My mother use to clean houses and made 40.00 a week. It was 4 of us kids but she was too proud to get on welfare. She was a hell of a woman. Many winters went by and we did not have heat at all. I remember she use to huddle me and my brothers and sister around a table with candles on it to keep warm. My bedroom window was busted out so it made it even worse in the winter time. I had to tape trash bags over the window to try to keep warm. I remember my soles of my shoes wearing off and having to pick out rocks out of my shoes. All the clothes I had were too big because the were passed down from my older brother. The pants I wore were practically folded over at the waist and held up with a belt so they would stay up. My mother's nerves were a wreck to the point where she would just scream at us all day long. One day I got into something and she told me to stop, but at the same time jerking a ice pick toward me......I guess she didn't realize how close she was and stabbed me in the eye with the ice pick. I have a red mark in my left eye even still today over that. That's how bad her nerves were. My self esteem was sooooo low. I feel like I was too young to know what poverty was. I feel like little kids should not have to experience sh#@ like that. My stomach stayed upset from all the government issued powdered milk. I remember our dog..Fefe was so skinny I think he actually starved to death. I know this sounds crazy but it is so real. My mom sent us to school looking awful, day in-day out. Of course the other kids had a ball on us. I remember I had this friend named Cleavon who I really looked up to. His family was what we considered wealthy and I wanted to be just like him. Me and him were in the first grade on the playground and he told me not to hang around him while at school because my clothes were dirty. He felt it made him look bad at school hanging around me, but we could play after school however. Little did he know the plumbing at my house was jacked up, and my mom could only wash once a week for 4 kids! Little things like that scar you for life. I remember the first time I realized that I was considered being different because I was black. Granted this was 1981 and things are better now. I will never forget...Jeffrey Crites and Damon Kratz singing (like a nursery rhyme) "One lil, Two lil, Three lil niggers...Four lil', Five lil'........................ I went home and asked my mother what a nigger was and she just sat me on her lap and started crying. I was only in the first grade. I had no desire to be in school..why would I? I flunked damn near every class I had up until the 7th grade. By the time I was in the 8th grade I had already had enough and prayed to God that I would die. Every day of my life I felt I was tormented. Everyone always use to ask me why I was so shy when I was younger, I didn't feel the need for interaction. I was treated like sh#@ everyday in school, then had to go home to a house that was falling down, literally. The toilet in the bathroom was falling through the floor. On top of that it didnt even work so we had to pour buckets of water down the toilet to make it flush. Through all of this I still had that little "light that shined inside of me. I remember before my father left I walked into my mothers room un-announced. All I could hear was my mother screaming "Stop", and my father on top of her. I later found out that he was raping her..I just didn't know what the term was at that time. I remember writing my mother a letter that night and putting it under her pillow. All it said was "I love you , and I am sorry". When she found it she was so touched, I think that was the single most wonderful moment I will ever remember that me and my mother shared. We cried together for what seemed like an eternity. It turned out that Larry (my father) did that reguarly, he raped her when she got pregnant with me.........I think thats why I am so filled with sorrow at times. It wasnt that she would not sleep with him, it was more like he liked to fight with her and beat her..THEN do his thing. Of course at that point my mother didn't want to be with him so he would rape her. He's was one evil individual, I don't consider him a father at all. My conception was during my mom getting raped......Now how's that for a person's self esteem. If I had been big enough at that point I would have taken my own father's life. If I hated people I would hate him. He hasn't even seen my kids yet, and they are 6 and 11. My mother couldn't make it by herself so she met her next man...or should say next monster. He is dead now, and it appeared he did a cold bitter, lonely death. He would help my mother out with the bills, but after a few years he began to look at my sister...yes in that way. He made an advance to her and tried to offer her money for it. When she told my mother about it, I felt like my mother was more mad at her than she was him. He stayed for a short period of time after that but finally left. He did not physically abuse my mother often, but he mentally abused her for about 10 years. Even to this day my mother is so afraid to meet people she barely leaves the house...ever. As a family it was so much turmoil that we all pushed each other away from each other for some reason. I have two brothers and a sister but we rarely communicate. I know this sounds weird but its almost like we remind each other of the past so much......we stay away from each other....thats the only way I can make sense of it. My sister turned out great, she is a doctor in Texas now and the pride of my mother. The Dallas Morning News just did this article about the million dollar house she bought a few years ago. Here is the link she goes by Dr. Lawson: I got my first keyboard at around 14 years old. It was one of those cheap kiddy ones that makes crappy music lol. I did the best I could with it and started making beats with it. I had a cassette recorder and would hit record and rap over the beats into the microphone while the keyboard was playing. Now, this was probably the most ancient way of recording but I was working with what I had. I would get a 3 pack of Certron cassette tapes ( I know you ol' schoolers remember those) and sell them for $2 to everyone I knew. They sounded like sh#$ but people bought them from me for some reason. I remember one lady bought one from me and after I walked away she threw it in the trash. I was in shock but she paid me so hey...lol. I got it out and resold it lol. Anyway, that's where my business savvy side comes from. I made tapes for years like that selling them back home. I became good at making beats as I got older which led me to meet alot of people. My best friend at the time (RIP Terry Mendenhall) always said he was going to blow up with me too. He was shot and killed around 1994-95. I released my first legitimate tape entitled "Let It Go" in which I dedicated the song to him and it made it on the radio on Power 92.3 in Arkansas. Terry was still trying to get his high school diploma when he got shot, so the principal at Malvern High School put his diploma in the casket with him when they buried him.....I never cried that much in my life....my best friend got his high school diploma at his own funeral-the saddest funeral I have ever attended. I always told him I was going to California to "make it" one day, I guess everyone says that huh..? On the way to California I had a 3 day drive to make and about $300.00 for gas. I made it to Arizona and was out of gas. I thought........so close, what now? All I had was a box of cd's I had made of my music. I stood at the gas station an entire night trying to sell my cds. I believe the town I was in was called Flagstaff..or something like that. I had a hard time selling the cd's, and then the one white guy rolls up- I ask him to buy one and he says "No man...we don't listen to alot of rap around here you are in the wrong spot, " Its mostly uppity people around here and they don't like that hip hop sh#@". What a blow to my ego. Needless to say I stayed there another 4 hours and I DID end up selling some cds........I didn't give up. I had enough gas to get here to California with about $20 left to my name- California. It will grow you up real fast! But it didn't take me long to catch up to speed. When you are homeless you tend to have more of a sense of urgency with things...everything. So between using Craislist, luck, and my drive I had from selling those $2 tapes as a 14 year old kid, I actually met good people who helped me get on my feet. When I first got to Cali I went to San Jose to meet this girl I had talked to over the internet 10 years prior, she was the only person I knew in California. I tried living with her for awhile, and actually tried to date her but it absolutely didn't work out. I also felt bad because I was only getting in a relationship to have somewhere to stay. I left. Now what? I mostly hung out at the 7-Eleven and roamed around at the Great Mall in San Jose. I remember it was the biggest mall I had ever seen before, I think it was a mile long. I hated going in there because I couldn't buy anything. I remember walking by people that were eating at the outdoor restaurants and wanting to snatch their food and take off running. That is some funny sh#@ to me now, but it wasnt then. I felt like a complete loser, I couldn't shower and for the first time in my life I actually saw what homeless people feel like...REAL homeless people. I had a problem meeting people and creating friendships because I felt so ashamed of how I looked. I was so hard on myself because here I was a 31 year old man that ran off to California to make it without a gameplan. I would call home to my mom in Arkansas and lie and say that I was ok...when I really was hopeless. For the first time in my life.....................................................I was hopeless. I had a connect I had previously met at a Wal Mart in Arkansas. Mitch. Mitch was a project coordinator for a recording label in Hollywood. He was coming through Arkansas from Atlanta and stopped and WalMart looking at cd's. I happened to be standing next to him and I heard his son say, "Daddy buy me this cd". I heard Mitch tell his son that he could get it from the artists' manager. I walked up to Mitch and asked him what he did, and if he worked in the music industry. We started to talk for awhile and exchanged numbers. I bombarded him with every song, show, picture I had while I was still in Arkansas. I called him and set up a meeting. I was in no shape to meet up with him. I went to the Goodwill and found the best looking suit they had. It still looked like crap..something fresh off the 70's show lol! But still, I didnt have enough money to buy it so I balled it up and walked clean out of the store. I had to steal that suit...I just had to do what I had to do. I then went to a gas station and took a "wash off" in the bathroom with the nasty hand soap that was in there. I felt like crap having to do this but there was no way I was going to the biggest meeting in my life looking homeless. We met up mutiple times before we got something worked out. Through Mitch I was able to not only get money to get me going, but secured distribution and secure me a home with the signing bonus. I know this sounded like it happened easy,but to spare you the extra reading I shortened this part. It actually took blood sweat and tears to secure this deal. It wasnt just my music that got me connected, but my drive...as Mitch put it. Rappers come a dime a dozen, but I had to steal clothes just to look decent at the meetings- I think Mitch could tell I was hungry to make it. I had went to the extreme, let everything I ever knew go to come to California. The chances of me being in the position I am in are almost impossible. I know leaving on a whim to chase your dream isn't the smartest thing to do, but I was at a point of desperation. I wasn't going to settle for what I had. It got to the point where it was hard looking my son in the eyes..I felt like a failure. I just woke up one day and said its time to do something with my life. I am also smart enough to know that most people that took the road I traveled never make it, that is why I know I am blessed. Now when I see my son again....I will be proud to be called his father. My kids will never have to go through what I have been through....... -all because I took a chance. Guerrilla Hollywood (Learn more at EGP at www.tilashotspot.com also check out Tila Tequila's blog dated Friday, November 16, 2007 on her Myspace page for more info on the EGP.