i've been having a tough time. for a while now, somewhere in the range of about 2 years; i can't connect it all to the passing of our pal the pleiadian, but maybe that's what sparked it, the prime mover. for these past two years, i've been toiling in a state of loneliness, isolation, ennui, despondence, detachment.. floating thru life in a fugue state. few might guess, on account of my cheery demeanor - though, some know. i've made some of my worst decisions, i've hurt people i love with my carelessness and selfish, destructive actions. it's not been good. i've allowed myself to fall into depths, the likes of which would disturb my loving mother... through this same period, i was working on a record, this record, a record of self indulgence, a disturbing feedback loop of insanity; this record became the home to my darkest secrets, the "Flowerhouse". it's not necessarily the sort of thing that's apparent on first listen; hell, it may NEVER have been apparent if not for this introductory write up, for nobody but myself (and even then) really knows this darkness i'd been shrinking in. but it's all there, the horrific parts of me i'm working to wash away: my ego, my predatory behavior, my misanthropy. what i'm getting at is, this isn't a positive record like i wanted it to be. it's not this great 'celebration of life' that i kept telling myself it was. it's an ode to depression, a would-be suicide letter. (but it slaps all the while) i'm not looking to garner pity, or to draw attention to myself or the record.. i'm just one more voice trying to add to the discussion, to make people more aware of how common depression is, even in those who are generally thought to be overwhelmingly joyous. i'm working on getting better, and i think i am; i don't feel these same reactionary urges that i once did, i no longer seriously consider ending my life; this, i suppose i owe to milo riccio. things are beautiful again, and though i still feel bogged down by my own negativity at times, it's impossible for me to deny that life is genuinely amazing. so many amazing people, such beautiful colors all around, such wonderful art and literature; i find it so sad that i've wasted these last two years in this blighted mind space. i'm excited to be a happy person again. i'm excited to get this out into the world and out of my head.