Hi! This is Steve. Welcome to the Extended Liner Notes for Something To Sneeze At! I’m excited by the newly-discovered fact that I can write all the liner notes I please in a Word document, and place this document in the “enhanced” portion of your CD for you to read. Wow! You see, if you’ve ever mass-produced a CD of your own, you might know that the printing of the sleeve and cover, in glossy color on fancy paper, costs a LOT. This is why I always condense my verbosity in the liner notes, reducing my brilliant reflections and fascinating insights into a couple sparse paragraphs – mostly concerned with telling everyone who wrote which song and who played the bagpipes on track #12. But now… I am free to write and write and write, and then write some more, with full lyrics and all sorts of in-depth and stupid information about everything I was thinking as I created the ridiculous CD you just bought. Isn’t that just the greatest? Yeah, I think so too. Something To Sneeze At is my twenty-second CD of music and comedy, and my fifth one specifically for kids. It’s my “Greatest Kids’ Hits volume 2” collection, so some of the songs are new, and some are reruns of songs from earlier CDs. Ha! I get to re-release stuff! This CD continues my ongoing passion for writing songs about the Harry Potter series… the books, that is, not the movies. I dearly love the books, and I am always disappointed with the movies. Oh well. I hear that some folks love the movies, and that’s fine. But please… if you have only seen the films, and you have never read the books, let me over-emphasize how much you are denying yourself by living your life this way. The books are so rich and so tremendous, whilst the movies are Hollywood interpretations that cannot help but fall short every time. Please read the books. All seven. You are lucky to live in the time that they were written. Take advantage of that – you owe it to yourself. And if you’re a parent, your devouring of the books (and subsequent knowledge of the minutia they contain) will give your progeny something new to be embarrassed about when their friends meet you. And that’s a great thing too. There are other songs on here, besides the Harry Potter ones. I just crank these things out, and when I make a new CD I put the latest songs on there. Just slap ’em in. It’s fun to make something solid out of all my mental and musical meanderings. I certainly recommend that you try it yourself sometime. And, when you do, make sure you write an enormous amount about each song, for the customer to read on long nights come winter. If you like these songs, feel free to let me know by visiting www.stevegoodie.com, choosing the Kids’ Section, clicking on “Write To Steve,” and dropping me an e-mail. Get your parents’ permission first if you’re under 18, okay? Thanks for listening… I really appreciate it! SG 10/11/2010 1. Dumbledore “Dumbledore” first came out on the When Harry Met Charlie…CD in 2005, when the sixth Harry Potter book was released. The song got a very good response, so here it is again. Though you may not know it, “Dumbledore” is a parody. The original song, of which it is a take-off, is “Weird Al’s” brilliant “Hardware Store” from his 2003 Poodle Hat album. I first heard “Hardware Store” in 2004, on a tape of the Dr. Demento Show sent to me by my friend Angel Jenkins. She hadn’t sent me the tape to show me “Hardware Store” however… she had sent it to me because my song “Whiskers And Me” was also on that particular show. But I found myself rewinding (this was in the old days of cassettes and of the Dr. Demento Show, before you were born) and rewinding, trying to catch all the words to this particular masterpiece of Al’s. Then, in my ongoing fervor for the Harry Potter series, it occurred to me that ‘Hardware Store’ rhymes with ‘Dumbledore.’ A HA! The production of this song turned out to be the most complex and difficult of any I had ever undertaken – thanks Al. I extend many thanks as well for the great contributions of Angel, Burpo, and Barbara D on this little number. When I recorded this I never imagined that I would be able to memorize this unbearably long lyric (it has 679 words according to Microsoft Word) and perform it in front of people. But thanks to the encouragment and enthusiasm of my lovely wife, I do manage to croak this thing out live. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Anyway, five years later I’m still quite fond of ‘Dumbledore,’ and I think it’s a good rousing opener for the new CD. Oh, and check out the video! Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Vocals: SG, Angel Jenkins, Barbara D, Burpo Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Till an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, “I quit this household” And I laced up both my shoes But he said “you’re not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well, we really don’t care If you rot away in your room” But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised ’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I’m gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can’t believe it’s coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff… He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort © 2005 Steve Goodie 2. Malfoy The Flying Ferret Nuclear Bubble Wrap’s founder, Jace McLain, has a way of needling me into doing things. This 22-second song is a perfect example. It’s another parody of a “Weird Al” Yankovic song, and though I never meant to have two parodies of two of Al’s songs on one CD (not to mention in a row, and in the first and second slots), I quite like the effect. And “Malfoy” leads very nicely into the third song… Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Vocals: SG Oh Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret He’s not very nice but we keep him around Cause he makes a squish when he hits the ground Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret Hey Malfoy! © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 3. Avada Kedavra Once again Jace McLain gets the credit (read “blame”) for a song coming to life. The idea of taking “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King and making it into “Avada Kedavra” occurred to Jace some eight years ago, when he was maybe twelve. He never acted on it, though, thinking it was too “stupid” and too “complicated.” On a road trip to Minnesota that we took in March 2010, Jace mentioned the idea to me, and hence this beautifully Stupid and Complicated opus took shape. I had my doubts, of course, but when we got to “When I was a young warthog” and it became “When I was a young Hogwarts (student),” well, I was hooked. Great big thanks to Jace, Kyle Thorne, Barbara D for their vocal and instrumental contributions, and to Bryan Cumming for his fab saxophone playing. This is another ridiculously complicated production, but well worth it, I believe. Check out the video! Guitars: SG and Kyle Thorne Bass: SG Drums: SG Percussion: Jace McLain Keyboards: SG Saxophone: Bryan Cumming Vocals: SG, Jace McLain, Kyle Thorne, Barbara D Wormtail: Draco, at times like this, we Death Eaters say you must “Get Lord Voldemort’s behind.” Voldemort: No. No. No! Wormtail: Sorry my lord... Voldemort: Amateur! It's “Get behind Lord Voldemort.” Draco, a bad thing needs to happen, and it’s up to you. Draco: Uh... that’s not what they teach us at Hogwarts. Voldemort: Then maybe you need a new lesson. Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful curse! Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! They don’t get any worse! Voldemort: It means no Harry, better call him a hearse… Wormtail: Okay… he’s a hearse! Voldemort and Wormtail: Ha! It’s our trouble-free, artillery… Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Draco: Avada Kedavra? Wormtail: Yeah. It's our favorite hex! Draco: What's a hex? Voldemort: Geez kid, what the hex wrong with you? Ha ha ha! Wormtail: Ha ha ha! Good one, my lord. Draco, those two words will solve all your problems. Voldemort: That's right. Take Wormtail here… Why, when he was a young Hogwarts (student)... Wormtail: When I was a young Hogwarts (student). Voldemort: Very nice. Wormtail: Heh heh, Thank you. Voldemort: He found his persona lacked a certain appeal, he was teased and abused, till he squirmed and he squealed. Wormtail: I'm a sensitive soul, and I was so chagrined... that they put me in Gryffindor, and not Slytherin. And oh, the shame... Voldemort: He was ashamed. Wormtail: Such a lame nickname... Voldemort: Yeah, Wormtail’s pretty lame. Wormtail: And I wanted to quit... Voldemort: How did ya feel? Wormtail: Well, I felt like… Voldemort: Hey! Wormy! Not in front of the kids! Wormtail: Oh. Sorry. Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! So nicely depraved! Avada Kedavra! Voldemort: Even though you don’t shave (yet). Draco: It means no Harry, he’ll go straight to the grave. Voldemort: Yeah, sing it kid! Voldemort and Draco: It's our recipe... Wormtail: For anarchy... All: Avada Kedavra! Voldemort: Welcome to the dark side. Draco: You’re all killers? Voldemort: We kill whoever we want. Wormtail: Yup! Turn ‘em into rump roasts! Draco: That’s beautiful! Wormtail: That Order of the Phoenix makes me so mad! Draco: I’m so angry I could kill a house-elf. Voldemort: Heh… we don’t need a house-elf killed… yet. Draco: An owl? Voldemort: Nuh-uh. Draco: Harry Potter?! Voldemort: No, he’s mine! Listen, if you’re going be a Death Eater, you have to act like a Death Eater. And there’s one fella that REALLY needs to… go away. Draco: Oooh, who’s that? Voldemort: A certain headmaster… who did you think? Draco: Ohhhh… Wow… Voldemort: Oh yeah… I hope you’re not chicken. Wormtail: Unforgivable, yet satisfying! Voldemort: This is a rare opportunity. Wormtail: Mmm hmmm... Voldemort: Mmmm… he’ll die with a very pleasant crunch. Wormtail: You’ll learn to love it! Voldemort: I’m tellin’ you kid, this is the great life. No rules, no accountability… Heh heh, the little muggle kind. And best of all… we’re all pureblood! Wormtail: Ahem… Voldemort: That is, except me. Well, kid? Draco: Oh well… Wormtail: Hey! Don’t point that at me! Draco: Avada Kedavra… Wormtail: (dying) Aaagh! Draco: (laughing) Unforgivable, yet satisfying. Voldemort: That’s it! Draco and Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada -- Draco: It means no Wormy, and Dumbledore’s in his grave. All: Love to hear them scream, in that flash of green... Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Draco: Avada Kedavra! Ooo ooo ooo… Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Ha ha ha ha! Voldemort: That’s right… It’s the circle of death… Wormtail: My hand hurts… Voldemort: Be prepared… Can you feel the death tonight? Draco: Ooo ooo ooo... Voldemort: I just can’t wait to be king! Draco: Avada Kedavra... Voldemort: King… King Voldemort… that’s, that’s me… King Voldemort! © 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP 4. Harry Sings His Tragedy I wrote this one in 2007, when our resident teenager was listening to “Panic At The Disco!” quite a lot. The profanity in the the chorus of the original tune rhymed nicely with the word “Dumbledore,” and though the book series was already completed and there was seemingly no reason to compose yet another Harry Potter song, I went for it anyway. And now here it is, on a CD at last, with the full authentic Britishness of Alison Larkin’s and Mark Phillips’ voice-overs. Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Voice-over: Alison Larkin and Mark Phillips Vocals: SG This just in... the Dark Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who... Oh, well I’m frozen Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore And I cannot do a thing And I can’t believe my ears, oh how could it be worse What a horrible ending What’s Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor Just like his buddy Snape Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh… I’m frozen, thinking “How could you go let yourself be murdered,” now you’ve frozen me Dumbledore No, Snape’s no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he’s Slytherin Haven’t you people ever heard he’s, working for Voldemort? No, he’s much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses? Oh, looking back Dumbledore’s been looking for horcruxes And recklessly depending on Snape Now it’s all so, bloody awful Got himself in a bad scrape Oh, watch your back If Draco can’t liquidate you I mean technically it’s gotta be Snape, right? Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein Now his job’s down the drain Harry! What happened? I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore. And he did? I can't believe it! I’m frozen, thinking Everybody’s always been sure that, Snape’s working for Dumbledore No, he’s no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry He’s Slytherin Haven’t you people ever heard there’s, Death-Eaters at the door? No, Malfoy’s destroying everything, where’s your defenses? Tom’s got seven personalities, oh yeah I’m frozen, thinking “How could you go let yourself be murdered,” Snape’s after you Dumbledore No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he’s really in the Order It’s confusing Maybe he’s evil maybe he’s not, is he working for Voldemort? Dunno, don’t know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve… Tom wants immortality, oh yeah © 2007 Steve Goodie 5. A Day In The Life Of Harry Right around the time I was working on Harry Sings His Tragedy, this idea struck as well. I’d already parodied this particular Beatle song in 1994, in the time of O.J. So with the instrumental track already at the ready, I went forward with new lyrics and some more smashing British dialogue. Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Voice-over: Alison Larkin and SG Vocals: SG I read the news today, oh boy ’Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed Just can’t believe Snape’s quite that bad Thought he was on the righteous path Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff He blew his boss up with a wand He’d made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange That's pronounced, "La-strawnge" Vowed to cover Draco’s derriere So he whacked old Dumbledore Though nobody is really sure we’ll never see his face no more They’ve stretched the films to eight, oh boy Though the books are great, I find the films okay If I were smart I’d turn away But I just have to look Having read the books I can’t believe… he’s… gone… This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was... ...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in. Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we? Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off? Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really! Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say? So this is my fault is it? Woke up, got out of bed Felt the scar across my head Found my way downstairs where the floating cups Had been conjured up to hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha) Found my wand and grabbed my broom Felt my wizard life resume But the whole thing just went up in smoke I’m under my cloak and I just want to scream Ah… Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working. So, I'm not professional, is that it? That's not what I said... Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness... Veronica... ... that makes me a non-professional? No no no... I see what's going on here! Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all. I most certainly will. Yes, I expect you will. What's that supposed to mean? Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on... It made the news today, oh boy Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here And though I was there to see him fall Now Hagrid won’t let me look I won’t really know what happened till I get to read the final book I can’t believe… he’s… gone… Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot... Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot." No Martin, I looked it up. Are you sure? Oh quite. Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who. It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful? I can't believe you! Voldemort... I -- you are despicable! Wizengamot. I've never worked with such a lunatic! Voldemort. Voldemort. Stop it! Stop it! I hate you! Voldemort. I can't work like this! Voldemort. © 2007 Steve Goodie 6. Act Pottery Have I mentioned how much influence Jace McLain has over me? It’s quite inexplicable, yet there it is. This song idea came up on the aforementioned road trip, and since it’s another song that I’d previously parodied about a certain morning disc jockey, the instrumental track was ready to go – I just added new lyrics and stirred. Recycling! It’s the wave of the future! It pleased Jace and me to make fun of actor Daniel Radcliffe, whose career as the personification of Harry has been unprecedented and quite lucrative. Things that are unprecedented and lucrative need songs making fun of them, I’ve always said. Sorry if you’re a fan of Daniel’s and this song makes you mad… lighten up, I say. We’re just having a go at a celebrity! Yay! Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Voice-over: SG Vocals: SG They're gonna make me do more movies Now they’ve made a big star out of me They make lame films and they pay me lots of money And all I gotta do is, act Pottery Well they’ll touch up my forehead with a big scar I’ll get a wand and do some crazy spells The CG has made me a big star Cause I can’t really act so well Well I hope you’ll come and see my latest movie See me type-cast to the nth degree Everyone thinks Harry is yours truly But all I really do is, act Pottery Well I can’t believe these films are really ending And I’m not yet an Oscar nominee I’m a twenty-something, has-been child actor And all I ever did was, act Pottery Well I guess I should put an ad on craigslist But I can’t type, and I don’t know how to spell I could be that crazy kid in Equus Cause I can play the part au naturel Well I hope you’ll come and see the latest movie And ignore the fact that I’m quite elderly When I finish school, I’ll be washed-up big-time Cause all I ever do is, act Pottery © 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP 7. I Am The Horcrux It’s getting boring to keep repeating Jace’s name, but yes, this idea is his fault too. Same roadtrip, same conversation about Harry Potter… and here we are. I was now charged with the ridiculous task of recreating “I Am The Walrus,” complete with Beatley-string section and weird sounds aplenty. I hadn’t already parodied this one, you see, so a mountain of effort loomed. I think it came out pretty good. Big thanks to Tim Lorsch for all the strings, to Christopher Ray and Ronnie Kimball and Barbara D for the silly high vocal parts that I can’t sing, and to Barry McAlister for unwittingly supplying a lot of sound effects for the ending bit. Violins, violas, cellos: Tim Lorsch Bass: SG Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Vocals: SG, Christopher Ray, Ronnie Kimball, Barbara D Voice effects: Barry McAlister I am he who’s chosen least some folks believe what they read in the paper I’m on the run since the new war’s begun I’m on the run, I’m hiding Sitting in a puptent, waiting for a clue to come Dumbledore’s intel, sadly insufficient Hunting for a bunch of pieces of a tattered soul I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you’re through You Know Who Mister Ronald Weasley sitting chicken little Weasley had to go See how he whines once he’s left us behind, see how he cries He’s crying, he’s crying, he’s crying, he’s crying Nymphadora Lupin, growing little wolves inside Remus wants adventure, thinks he can protect her Man you’ve been a naughty boy, you let your family down I am the H-man, I am the H-man, finding Dolores, and then You Know Who Sneaking into Umbridge office but the locket’s gone Tell the half-bloods run you gotta scram, maybe visit family in Spain I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you’re through You Know Who Snatching rat-faced gloating poachers now we’re toast cause Voldemort’s taboo See how they spy like steak and kidney pie, they’re foul and vile, I’m flying Flying into Hogwarts, fighting all the evil power In some sort of purgatory, Dumbledore informs me I am just another piece of Riddle’s fractured soul I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux You’re through You Know Who, you’re through You Know Who You’re through You Know Who, you’re through You Know Who You’re through … You Know Who You’re through, yeah you, you, you’re through… You Know Who... Hallows, horcrux, horcrux hallows Toasting Voldemort marshmallows Horcrux, hallows, hallows, horcrux Dumbledore’s dead, he was buried in his best tux... © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 8. Harry’s Girl Same roadtrip. Same Jace. And I’ve always wanted to parody a Zappa song if at all possible. Of course, the big question was, “is it humanly possible for someone to sound simultaneously Britsh and ‘Val?’” Jace and I were unsure. Alison Larkin was not unsure. She was quite confident that she could do it. And do it she did. I just hope I did the production any justice at all. RIP Frank. Guitar: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Voice-over: Alison Larkin Vocals: SG Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl She’s last in line, her blood is pure Now she’s Harry’s girl, fighting Voldemort She’s last in line, she don’t like Fleur Shes a Like, OMG! (Harry’s girl) Like, totally (Harry’s girl) Like at first I couldn’t even talk (Harry’s girl) I, like, froze up and like… (Harry’s girl) Whenever Harry Potter was around, I like couldn’t say anything, you know? Cause he was like totally famous, with that awesome scar on his head, and he was like totally all alone, and he was super super nice… he was just so… Youngest Weasley, she’s depressed Old Tom Riddle’s got her possessed She found this book, she was unaware That he put a whole bunch of evil in there Anyway, he goes, like, “Hi! I’m Tom Riddle, and this is my diary.” And I’m all like, wow, and he’s all like, tell me about it, so I like told him how my brothers like totally tease me all the time, and how I like have to wear second-hand robes, I am so sure! Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl She lost her mind, she’s lost her nerve But she’s Harry’s girl, and he’ll rescue her Her vital signs, he will ensure She’s a It’s really sad (Harry’s girl) Our new defense teacher, Professor Lockhart (Harry’s girl) He’s like Mr. Dufus (Harry’s girl) We’re talking lord God king Dufus (Harry’s girl) I am so sure, he’s like so pathetic I heard like he let out all these pixies And he like totally lost control of the class It’s like totally embarrassing I’m like so sure, it’s like who let these out... Bag the whole room! First year she’s still awful shy Anytime Harry J. Potter walks by Her face turns red just like her hair Can’t say a word, just too dang scared So like I go into this like bookstore place, y’know, and I wanted like to get my books for school, and they are all like, totally expensive, and like my dad like doesn’t have any money, at all. It was like really embarrassing. And Harry’s like, here, take my books, and he’s like totally sweet, and I was like really embarrassed... Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl Years go by, she's found her nerve Now she’s Harry’s girl, with the bogey curse She’s last in line, she don’t like Fleur But she’s Harry’s girl, he could do much worse Like my brother is like a total dweeb (Harry’s girl) He’s like freaking out that I kissed anyone (Harry’s girl) And he’s like never even had a date (Harry’s girl) I am sure, that's like pathetic! (Harry’s girl) ROTFLOL! (Harry’s girl) OMG! (Harry’s girl) Hi! Uh-huh... (Harry’s girl) My name? My name is Ginevra Weasley (Harry’s girl) Uh-huh That's right, Ginevra (Harry’s girl) Uh-huh... Like, Ginny for short It’s like... (Harry’s girl) I do not have funny hair... I’m sure (Harry’s girl) What'sa matter with red hair? (Harry’s girl) I am a witch, I know (Harry’s girl) But I play like a really awesome game of Quidditch, so it’s okay (Harry’s girl) Uh-huh... (Harry’s girl) So like, You Know Who is back (Harry’s girl) I’m like freaking out totally (Harry’s girl) OMG! (Harry’s girl) Hi, I have to go to the DA meeting tonight (Harry’s girl) We’re like learning to defend ourselves, y’know (Harry’s girl) But I am like underage That's going to be really like a total bummer And I named the D.A. – Dumbledore’s Army, y’know? But will I get to stand and, like, fight? No, my parents will totally make me, like, stay behind By myself, in the room of requirement It's like so totally uncool But they can’t watch me 24/7 So no biggie... We’ve been, like, putting up resistance all year It’s like covert and stuff, y’know Well, I’m not a big baby or anything It’s just like are you serious? I can like totally take care of myself With like You Know Who totally after Harry Harry’s like, “pretend you don’t know me, Ginny” It’s like too risky... Risky to the max I’m sure It’s like really exasperating Like get out Get me a normal boyfriend But…I am sure… Oh Harry… © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 9. Umbridge Bloody Umbridge This is a parody of the only U2 song I don’t hate. I remember when I was in college in the early 80s, and a band I was in “called Imperial Trout Farm” attempted to cover “Sunday Bloody Sunday.” Our version was an unmitigated disaster, but we did try. I always liked the rawness of the original (live) version that U2 released, as opposed to the studio version with the keyboard part. Ick. So when I decided to go after Dolores Umbridge, this song popped into my head. The rebellious spirit of the original, which interestingly is preaching rebellion against violent rebellion, seems quite fitting for the evil Umbridge who is somehow not with the Dark Side. Guitar: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Voice effects: Barbara D Unwitting voice effects: John Cleese Vocals: SG There's been a lot of talk about this next song... maybe too much talk. This is not a Harry Potter song... this is Umbridge Bloody Umbridge... I can't believe my eyes today I thought that nasty evil toad had gone away Ding dong, the wicked witch ain’t dead and gone No that frog, ain’t gone… She survived, and she got another job, it’s not right In our fifth year she came to teach Soon we realized how far her powers reached She made herself Inquisitor Thought she could run this dump much better than Dumbledore Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge She’s working at the ministry She should be in jail, but on the contrary Though she is only three foot eight Somehow she’s making muggles and blood-traitors run away Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Ding dong, that wicked witch got even stronger That frog, ain’t gone Not quite, we gotta sneak inside, tonight We gotta fight, with a polyjuice disguise, inside Wipe her sneer away Make her go away She’s only three foot eight Go ahead, make my day (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge) Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Now our seventh year’s begun We’re hunting horcruxes, and that witch is wearing one She wears that locket by her heart Gotta infiltrate the ministry and rip that thing apart I told the half-bloods run and hide (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge) Once I’d hit that witch with a bit of Stupefy! (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge) Umbridge, bloody Umbridge Umbridge, bloody Umbridge © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 10. Dobby Can You Hear Me This song was a last-minute addition to the album. I really wanted to do a song for Dobby, who I feel is one of the most tragic figures in the Harry Potter series. His death, along with Moody’s and Hedwig’s and Fred’s, deserves a musical tribute. I couldn’t come up with songs for everyone who died, but I think Dobby’s little song serves all of them. If you don’t get this song, look up The Who’s “Tommy” on the internet and see if it makes more sense. Dobby can you hear me, now I really need you Dobby can you see me, I’m the one who freed you Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby Dobby can you hear me, you saved us from the bad guys Dobby can you see me, you got clobbered in a drive-by Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby Dobby can you hear me, how could Rowling go and end you Dobby can you see me, maybe Molly will avenge you Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby… © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 11. Why Can’t We All Get A Longbottom In 2003 I wrote a song for my delightful and beloved niece, Sara, who was turning four. The song, “Sara,” was an instant international hit. Well, it should have been. In my 2010 hunt for Harry Potter song ideas, it occurred to me that I might replace the word ‘Sara’ with the word ‘Harry.’ I asked Sara’s permission to parody the song I’d written for her, and she said yes. Hooray! Another thing I like about this song… it’s written from Neville Longbottom’s perspective. Neville, as you know, was notoriously forgetful and bumbling, but he came into his own and was the undoing of Voldemort himself at the end. Go Neville! And that led to the song’s oh-so-clever title. Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Piano: SG Vocals: SG I’ve known this kid since the first year of school He taught us self-defense, and he taught us how to duel And he’s never had a problem, with breaking lots of rules And he’s on the run now, chasing You Know Who That’s Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very) Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight Death Eaters are swarming into Hogwarts tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells You got me out of my shell, yeah it’s true Bring it on, You Know Who I used to be pretty lame, forget lots of stuff Till Professor McGonagall said, “Longbottom, enough’s enough!” Turns out my Gran wasn’t perfect herself And now I’ve got some confidence, with the Potter kid’s help That’s Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very) Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight We’re wiping out, the Dark Lord tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses Now it’s us versus the worst they can do We can beat You Know Who Harry’s the man, there’s no contest From the very first day, on the Hogwarts Express Did he make fun of me, not him, not never He did his very best to help me find Trevor Who turned up at Hagrid’s, it wasn’t so bad But those Slytherin jerks make me so dang mad That Draco and Pansy and Goyle and Crabbe And Snape and Dolores and Bellatrix and… Riddle Okay that didn’t rhyme, I messed up that verse Guess you better hit me with the Cruciatus Curse But before you try it, you might want to know That I killed Nagini, and that killed Voldemo’ So I might strike back, yeah maybe I oughta Hit you with a little thing called… Avada Kedavra Harry, Harry, he taught me to fight And we’re wiping out the Dark Side tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells You got me out of my shell, yeah it’s true And we can beat You Know Who Harry, Harry, come back and fight Hogwarts is lousy with Death Eaters tonight Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses Now it’s us versus the worst they can do And we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who) We beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who) Yeah we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who) We beat him, defeated him, deleted him, mincemeated him, we beat You Know Who We beat You Know Who We beat You Know Who We beat You Know Who © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 12. Mr. Grint Back in 2009 I made a recording of “You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch” for a Christmas compilation album created by Randy Santiman, one of the sound engineers at the Bluebird Café here in Nashville (where I live). Eschewing the complex orchestral arrangement heard in the original version, I used a single banjo for my rendition, along with the vocal stylings of my buddy Tim Panyard. In 2010 I realized that ‘Grinch’ sounds a lot like ‘Grint,’ and with a few more instruments and my own vocal, this mean-spirited song was born. Sorry Rupert… you’re my favorite, honest! Guitar: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Banjo: SG Fake bass clarinet: SG Vocals: SG You're a magician, Mr. Grint Your powers are unreal But you’re always overshadowed By that Potter, how’s that feel? Mr. Grint You’re a second banana in a show you can’t steal You’re an sidekick, Mr. Grint And you’d like a leading role But you tend to tumble downward When you guard that Quidditch goal Mr. Grint And Fleur wouldn’t touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot... wand You’re a sly one, Mr. Grint Even though you’ve got no scar You make a smashing entrance In a stolen flying car Mr. Grint And when you were surrounded by enormous spiders, you had to be rescued… by that stolen flying car You‘re affluent, Mr. Grint A former normal kid Now you’ve got a couple mansions Worth about ten million quid Mr. Grint The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote… stinking, filthy, rich You’re a redhead, Mr. Grint And when you get too much sun You’re a radish with an accent A tomato with a tongue Mr. Grint Your face is an amazing conglomeration of the most carcinogenic and multifaceted blemishes imaginable… and I’ll just bet you have freckles on your bum You entertain me, Mr. Grint You’re number eight of nine (including Molly and Arthur) And though Fred and George are wacky You still get the funny lines Mr. Grint You’re a gawky, awkward goofball with a broken wand and limited Quidditch skills… but Miss Watson thinks you’re fine © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 13. Ice Cream Man Okay, enough of the Harry Potter songs for pete’s sake. Here’s a nice song about ice cream and the coming of springtime. This one was conceived by Max Dorris, at the tender age of 9. He came home from school singing a much more nasty version of this lyric, which made his step-dad laugh heartily. I asked Max’s permission to re-write it a bit and develop it in full Black Sabbath form, and he said sure, mostly because he was bored with the idea by that time and more interested in his X-Box. He did, however, generously and brilliantly contribute his voice in the role of “Little Boy Who Wants Ice Cream,” along with his sister Ayva in the role of “Little Girl Who Also Wants Ice Cream.” Hats off to two great step-kids and their wacky sense of humor! Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Voice-over: Max Dorris, Ayva Dorris, and SG Vocals: SG Hey Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Give me my ice cream! Mom, I need money for ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man! I AM ICE CREAM MAN!! Yay! I am Ice Cream Man Plumping up the neighborhood in my van When I ring my bell All my little customers run like mad Wait! Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Ice Cream Man! Wait! Wait! Big kid up the street Begging mama give me money for a frozen treat These kids can’t say no I’m spreading Good Humor wherever I go (Burp) That was good! Give me my ice cream! Hurry! He’s leaving! Run! Run! I’m running! I’m running! Junkies are everywhere Paying top dollar for a chocolate eclair Wind, snow, hail or rain See ’em waddle after me, calling my name Wait up! Hey! Everyone loves me Hey Ice Cream Man! I’m God’s gift to the world Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! I got cash money! Everyone needs me My job couldn’t be more secure I want a fudgesicle! This is broccoli for crying out loud! I’m your ice cream man… stop me when you’re passing by… I am Ice Cream Man Inventing new flavors like spinach pecan Teeth rot, stomachs turn Everybody gets to feel the freezer burn Hey Ice Cream Man! Everyone wants me I’m a rockstar in a stupid hat Can you break a fifty? You wanna pay with a fifty? Uh huh. Yeah I got change for that Mom! I need fifty bucks! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man, I don’t think this is what I ordered. Yeah, this isn’t right. This isn’t supposed to be green. Hey, give me my money back! I want a refund! I did not order spinach! Hey buddy, my kid tells me you sold him some nasty ice cream. Uh, that’s not possible. Here, have a fudgesicle, on the house. Ice Cream Man, wait for me! Children used to be thin With too much freakin energy and just one chin Here they come again Huffin and a-puffin like Eric Cartman Hey! What’ll it be, kid? Okay, okay, I need… okay… I need three Strawberry Shortcakes, and four Chocolate Eclairs, and one of those big red white and blue bomb things.. Got it. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen… I got Fudge Bars, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers Bars, Heath Bars, King Cones, Premium Vanilla Sandwiches, Reese’s Bars, Strawberries And Cream Bars, Cookies And Cream Bars, Toasted Almond Bars, Candy Center Crunch Bars, Triple Chocolate Brownies, Premium Sundaes Sundaes Sundaes, Giant Ice Cream Sandwiches, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Giant Neopolitan Sandwiches, Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches, Succulent Swiss Quintuple-Smooth Faux-Cream Triple Milk-Chocolate Frogs, Candied Frozen Yogurt Balls, Cherry Whipped Cream Mousse Balls, Fudge-Wrapped Dark Chocolate Semi-Malted Air-Puffed Peanut-Butter And Almond Honey-Soaked Frozen Barnacles On A Stick. Uh… one barnacle, please. © 2010 Steve Goodie and Max Dorris ASCAP 14. Girl Talk (Disclaimer #1) This song is just a little prelude to the next song, explaining to the unitiated that “Braces” is sung from the point of view of a nine-year-old girl. That’s about it. Guitar: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Piano: SG Vocals: SG The next song is a little weird, cause I wrote it as if I were a nine-year-old girl It's from an old band of mine called Girlband But don’t panic, Mom, it’s rated G… honest © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 15. Braces In 2001 I made an album called “Hey Hey Howdy!! It’s Girlband!!” with my good friend Burpo. The entire CD was an audio cartoon, if you will, with me and Burpo playing all the parts. We cast ourselves primarily as ‘Flufferpuff’ and ‘Muffin,’ two 4th grade girls with dreams of Rocking. I was Muffin. One of the songs that Muffin sang was a lament regarding a dental appliance that rendered her unable to properly show affection to dreamboat ‘Johnny.’ People seemed to like this particular song. So here it is again. Thanks to Burpo for the ‘purty green guitar’ and all the vocal brilliance. Guitars: SG and Burpo Bass: SG Drums: SG Piano: SG Vocals: SG and Burpo Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It’s field trip day, I’ve waited all week Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat We’re on the bus and we’re riding along But something’s wrong I can’t kiss you cause I have braces It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I’m such a dork, I feel so dumb This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb And you’re so tall, and your hair’s so wild But I’m afraid to smile I can’t kiss you cause I have braces It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It’s always something and it’s so unfair I just know I’ve got a bunch of spinach stuck in there I sit by the phone and wait for your call But you won’t And it’s all the orthodontist’s fault All his fault All his fault All his fault I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth Metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal Metal metal metal metal, ahhh I can’t kiss you cause I have braces It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places I can’t kiss you cause… I can’t kiss you cause I have braces [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I have metal in all the wrong places [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I can’t kiss you cause I have braces © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP 16. Halloween In 2006 I was contacted by children’s author Louie Lawent, asking if I’d like to write some kids’ songs together. We wound up making an entire album entitled “Refrigerator Art.” “Halloween” is one of my favs from that collection. I presented it at a “Songwriter’s Convention” in 2007, and the facilitator declared that this was a ‘perfect song.’ I said, “Wow, what should I do with it now?” He said, “I have no idea.” So that was helpful. Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Vocals: SG The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute? I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want your fruit I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit I don’t want your fruit I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP 17. Ecstasy Of The Bilious Waterpoodle I became vaguely conscious of a band called “Worm Quartet” in 2009, and much more aware of their leader Tim Crist in 2010. In April 2010, while I was doing my taxes, I was listening to one of their CDs. I put one particularly silly song on Infinite Repeat and listened to it at least fifty times while struggling with 1040s and 1099s and Schedule Ds and such. It made paying my fair share a lot more tolerable, I tell you what. I decided that I could do such a song myself… just write down a bunch of nonsense and speak it in a whiny voice, while being accompanied by frantic techno music. Voila! Thanks ShoEboX. Guitar: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Vocals: SG I can’t find my penguin! If you cauterize that ointment with Aunt Claudia’s broccoli casserole and follow the flatulence to its logical cartography while juggling your earwax, spam and mangos will erupt from my nephew’s upper left Baio brother. Why can’t I smell my elbows? I’ve discovered Pluto! You must stop shouting Down With Nastiness, you’re making yourself over-irrigated and I can taste the mustard your brother-in-law spilled on his pedal-pushers. This nacho cheese has no linoleum. Why do all my staplers vote for Albanians? I think rutabegas make excellent recreational vehicles, not to mention party favors. Can Malibu Barbie get a part in the next Sharon Osbourne docu-drama about left-handed Ukranian mambo enthusiasts who find themselves suddenly expurgated in coleslaw? Paraguay! My mother can beat up twenty-six of your fastest non-alcoholic tricycle wheels with one spatula tied behind her esophagus. If your pinecone sugarloaf threatens my Parcheesi one more time I’ll never stop articulating triumphant etudes on your camel’s googelplex. Ick! Vomitous masses yearning to congratulate each other’s uvulas! This chunky peanut butter isn’t nearly chunky enough! It's the great pacific garbage patch, Charlie Brown! Will someone scratch my squirrel? Delousing hamsters reverses tooth-decay in laboratory earmuffs. I invited the Schwarzeneggers, but they brought Hawaiian Punch without marshmallows so I made them stand in the phone booth up to their knees in lime jello until one of them could properly whistle the Belgian national anthem without masticaing. Nitwits are sandblasting my pajamas! Can’t you see I need oatmeal? What is the point of vanilla cough syrup, in today’s recidivist economy? Or meat? I think I swallowed my face. A shoeless man with no money wants to buy my motorcycle. You got eggshells in my Strawberry Quick! My igloo isn’t broadband compatible! Where did you put my toejam collection? Try hand towels now and then why don’t you? I can’t believe Cousin McQuigley got expunged for invertebrate eggplants! This silly putty isn’t nearly silly enough! I want everyone on the left side of the room to stay on the left side of the room. Now! Do you think these pants make my cat look fructose-injected? Circuitous meatloaf! I can really taste the Chutney! Ow! My spork! © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 18. Mucus To My Ears (Disclaimer #2) This is another one of those little preludes to the song that follows. In this case, it’s a desperate and futile attempt to assuage the wrath of good sensible parents who might find the next song appallingly disgusting. Track #19 is, let’s face it, one long booger joke, that’s all… and for some reason a lot of grown-ups consider it nauseating. So this preamble serves as a warning that parents might want to leave the room as the kids listen to that masterpiece. As a little point of interest, this song is more-or-less a backwards version of track #2. Wow! Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Vocals: SG This next song is like Really gross, I mean Really really gross, but kids think it’s great They wanna hear it over and over again I know you won’t like it, Mom But what can I say, it just hit me one day So don’t listen, Mom, if you hate booger jokes… sorry! © 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP 19. Brown Booger What can be said about a song like this? It is really awful, but I love it. And so do an awful lot of kids. It was great fun doing a rendition of the Rolling Stones in the studio, and I figured that on a CD entitled Something To Sneeze At there should be at least one booger-related track. Wouldn’t you agree? Thanks to Michael Duncan for the brilliant saxophone work, and to Chris and Dave Smith for their voice-over genius. Guitars: SG Bass: SG Drums: SG Keyboards: SG Saxophone: Michael Duncan Voice-over: Chris Smith, David Smith, SG Unwitting voice-overs: Woody Allen, Brian-Doyle Murray, Bill Murray, Mary Louise Weller, Martha Smith, Diane Keaton, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman, Paul Reiser, Steve Gutenberg, Kevin Bacon Vocals: SG Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six... Boy, the food at this place is really terrible! This'll be a quick meal. This is absolutely gross! That boy is a P-I-G pig! Flush it down the toilet, okay, and flush it a couple of times... Ewwwww! Third grade recess on the playing field Joey's got no lunch, but it's no big deal He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight See him pick a big one, just about bite-sized Awwwww! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good? Gross! That's disgusting! Did you eat? Brown booger, just like a booger should now You gonna finish that? Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it, but if you're gonna eat... Say the word and I'll give you a piece. Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time Blech! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Gross! Awww!! Nice mouth! Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah We're mutants! There's something wrong with us, something very very wrong with us! That kid'll eat anything! Must be hungry. Something seriously wrong with us! Here's proof... his nose is cold. Now, didn't your mama teach you anything? If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate You should have seen the size of what he ate The size of a Buick. Wow! Brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now... I can't believe you're eating this! You know what your problem is? You don't chew your food, that's why you get so irritable with people. You could get mumps... Oh... I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Mmmmm! That one tasted like Cracker Jack! How come you... how come you taste so good? I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww! You can taste mine if I can taste yours. Ooooo... okay! Just like a, just like a booger should Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers and then toss it at you This one tastes like pepperoni! Pepperoni! Yeah! From the nose-meister! I think I touched my brain! If I find a gooey one, I wait for later, and then I get a crunchy one, and then I mix 'em. Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear. Ooo, that's a good idea. Have you ever mixed it with your earwax? Have I? I invented that! Oh! Extra points! Blood! Mmm... slimy. Mmm... salty. Have you ever microwaved them? No! Mmmm! © 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Chris Smith ASCAP